ALL THE FUN OF THE TRADE FAIR
It's the second semi-final of Euro 2012 tonight, but who cares? Spain have ruined everything. Balls to them, and it. But happily, there's another international tournament along in a minute. At the end of the month, a trade fair trundles into town, and the kind businessfolk running it will be putting on a little soccer contest to occupy the attention of the peon masses, as they stuff billions of pounds of taxpayers' money into their trousers before hotfooting it to Brazil. Coo! A soccer contest! Shiny prize for Soccer Contest!
David Beckham did more than most people in convincing these footpads to come to Britain to help us bankrupt ourselves in a Greek stylee, so well done to him. But sadly he'll not be getting his just rewards for his tireless efforts. All that hard graft, such as pressing flesh, smiling vacantly for photographs, cramming canapes into his maw, and shaving his facial hair into intricate, increasingly rococo patterns, has been for naught! For he's not made the Team GB squad for Soccer Contest!
The squads in Soccer Contest will be a shower of Under-23s, though three overage players are allowed to participate too. Beckham, who retired in 2001, was hoping to pull on his boots again, but team coach Stuart Pearce has opted to select Craig Bellamy, Ryan Giggs and Micah Richards instead. Still, ever the politician, Becks has responded magnanimously. "As a Londoner, I am ashamed to have been a part in financially crippling my home town, which was established by the Romans in AD 43 and will be finally closing down in AD 2017," is what he should have said, but instead appended the "as a Londoner" bit with some guff about looking forward to the big event, and hoping Team GB win Shiny Prize.
Team GB will, needless to say, not win Shiny Prize, on account of being British. Also, the Brazilians and Uruguayans are competing too, and you know what they get like about winning stuff. Plus the fact Spain seem to be involved, so everyone will have lost interest in the competition by 2.55pm on 26 July, 10 minutes after they kick off their first game. But while Team GB's players are destined to leave empty handed, Becks will be thrown a bone: a "Games-time role" by Sebastian Coe. Beckham is said to be highly excited at the prospect of another ambassadorial position and, ever the trendsetter, is considering a new neoclassical beard design especially for the occasion, moving on from the outre extravagances of his current baroque arrangement.
• Join Scott Murray from 7pm for live MBM coverage of Germany 2-1 Italy.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Eddie Johnson was celebrating in front of our bench and yelling at our fans, and Jed [Zayner] told him just go do it over on his side and he took a swing and hit Jed in the eye" – Seattle Sounders' Chris Wondolowski describes how his team-mate offers a slightly more interesting goal celebration than the hand-in-the-air or rocking baby.
FIVER LETTERS
"Re: Gareth Bale's new deal to stay with Spurs (yesterday's Fiver). I dread to think what Phil Brown makes of all this" – Steven Barker (and others).
"I am surprised that there has been so little praise of Shrewsbury Town legend Joe Hart, following the news that his feeding of Andy Carroll was England's most successful passing combination against Italy. Have we at last found the international playmaker we have long sought? Could Jonathan Wilson confirm that he is playing a false 10 or something?" – Michael Hann, Big Paper.
"Re: Steve Moseley's quip about the standard of Clydesdale Bank Premier League (yesterday's letters). 'Oh no he di'n't!'" – Joe Beswick.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.
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BITS AND BOBS
Cristiano Ronaldo says a bigger boy told him to wait until fifth spot to take his penalty against Spain. "[The coach] said to me, 'Do you want to take the fifth one?' and I said 'yes'," yelped Ronaldo, bravely eschewing the chance to get someone else to say it for him. "Sometimes I take the first, the second or the third. I agreed to take the fifth." Never the fourth, mind.
Barcelona just got that little bit better with the signing of Jordi Alba from Valencia. "Barcelona announce that today they reached an agreement with Valencia for the transfer of Jordi Alba," said a statement. "The cost of the operation will be €14m and the player will sign a contract for the next five seasons," it added, making the whole thing sound like a military venture rather than just getting someone to sign a piece of paper.
Birmingham have refused to comment on reports they have turned down a £6m bid from Southampton for Jack Butland. "…," said a Birmingham spokesman. "…," he added, which was a tad harsh in the Fiver's opinion.
A police officer was shot in the leg and an alleged armed robber was also wounded in a shootout after the Athens home of PAOK Thessaloniki coach and former Sheffield United midfielder Giorgos Donis was invaded.
And 13 players have reported for the first day of pre-season training at the Pope's O'Newco Rangers' training ground. Although, let's face it, they'd still probably finish second in the SPL with that number of players.
STILL WANT MORE?
Dominic Fifield had set aside this afternoon to fulfil his No1 life-long dream of getting his photo taken with the Warsaw Mermaid. Instead he had make do with No2 on his list and spend the day answering questions from people on the internet (you) about Italy's likely formation against Germany. You read his replies here.
Thanks Becks, but no thanks. So says Louise Taylor of Stuart Pearce's decision to leave David Beckham out of the Team GB squad for the London Olympics. But won't somebody please think of the legacy.
Come to this week's Classic YouTube for the glorious videos of Zinedine Zidane and Gabriel Batistuta, but stay for Gary Lineker making a tool of himself with a failed Panenka.
And there is literally no conversation you can have with Jonathan Wilson where he won't find a way of shoehorning in a mention of the 1924 Uruguay side. Here he manages it in a piece about Spain reaching their third successive final.
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